This article is inspired by a recent interaction with some fellow professionals working in the area of process facilitation and T-Group experiences.
If you have ever attended a T-Group Lab, you have a high likelihood to encounter this term “Counter-dependence”. Pop psychology has almost spoiled this term (like many other terms) by using it loosely to describe functional behaviours whereas in its purest form, the term is reserved to describe a set of dysfunctional behaviours. So, what does counter-dependence really mean? Where is comes from?
Counter-dependence is a psychological phenomenon where an individual develops an extreme or defensive attitude toward independence. Unlike dependence, where a person relies on others for support and guidance, counter-dependent individuals reject help, advice, and emotional support even when they need it. This can manifest in resistance to authority, difficulty in forming trusting relationships, and an overemphasis on self-sufficiency. It’s often rooted in early attachment issues or unresolved feelings of vulnerability, creating a coping mechanism that pushes others away to avoid dependence.
Following can be see in a group settings as manifestation of counter dependence. If 3 or more such behaviours are being displayed by a participants consistency over multiple days, it indicates counter-dependence on the part of the participant:
• Avoidance of vulnerability: A tendency to reject emotional closeness or help to avoid being seen as weak.
• Resistance to authority: Difficulty accepting guidance or control from others, often due to a fear of losing autonomy.
• Over-compensation in self-reliance: An excessive focus on self-sufficiency, making it hard to delegate or collaborate.
• Fear of being controlled: Counter-dependent people may avoid relationships or situations where they feel their autonomy is threatened.
• Emotional distancing: They may struggle to form deep emotional bonds, pushing people away in an attempt to remain emotionally independent.
Manifestation of counter-dependence in T-groups
In T-Groups, counter-dependence often manifests through dialogues where individuals resist emotional closeness, feedback, or guidance. Here are 10 dialogues from T-group sessions that indicate counter-dependence, along with possible underlying mechanism as Indicator of counter-dependence. These dialogues are approximate reproduction of what actually happened in the T-Goup sessions. Names are abbreviated to hide the identity of participants.
Example 1: Resistance to Feedback
Facilitator to Participant K: “K, I noticed you often cut people off when they try to give you feedback. What’s coming up for you when someone offers you insight?”
K: “Honestly, I don’t need anyone telling me how to behave. I’ve always been self-reliant and figured things out on my own.”
Indication: K’s rejection of feedback reflects a defensive need to appear competent and independent, a hallmark of counter-dependence. His assertion that he’s “always been self-reliant” may reveal fear of appearing vulnerable or weak.
Example 2: Avoiding Vulnerability
Participant J: “C, I feel like you don’t share much about yourself. I’d like to get to know you better.”
C: “I just don’t think it’s necessary to talk about personal stuff here. It’s not like sharing my feelings is going to solve anything.”
Indication: C’s reluctance to share personal information shows avoidance of vulnerability, which is central to counter-dependence. She rationalizes her emotional distance by downplaying the value of sharing feelings.
Example 3: Overcompensation in Self-Reliance
Facilitator: “I see that you chose to take control of situations rather than rely on the group. Why do you think that is?”
K: “Because depending on others is a waste of time. If you want something done right, you’ve got to do it yourself. I don’t need anyone else to get things done.”
Indication: K’s belief that relying on others is inefficient reflects his counter-dependent tendency to overcompensate with self-reliance. His dismissal of group collaboration as “a waste of time” suggests a deep-seated fear of needing others.
Example 4: Rejecting Help
Participant 2: “A, it seems like you’re struggling with expressing your emotions. Maybe we could all help you here?”
A: “No, I don’t need anyone’s help and I am clear about my emotions. I’m used to doing things on my own. I’ll figure it out whatever the issue is.”
Indication: A’s immediate rejection of help here, despite visible struggle, signals counter-dependence. The phrase “I’m used to doing things on my own” indicates a learned defense mechanism where accepting help feels threatening to their self-concept.
Example 5: Emotional Distancing
Facilitator: “You’ve been quiet during this session, V. Is there something you’re holding back?”
V: “It’s not important. I don’t see the point in talking about feelings. We’re all just here to get through this and move on.”
Indication: V’s response highlights emotional distancing, typical of counter-dependence. By dismissing the importance of discussing feelings, she reinforces emotional walls that keep others at a distance.
Example 6: Fear of Being Controlled
Participant 3: “J, you seem frustrated when people ask you to share what you feel or talk about what is going on inside you. What’s going on?”
J: “I just don’t like being told what to do. I don’t need anyone trying to control me or my actions.”
Indication: J’s resistance to sharing stems from a fear of being controlled, a key feature of counter-dependence. His statement suggests that ask for sharing triggers fears about losing autonomy.
Example 7: Defensive Posture in Group Dynamics
Facilitator: “You seem to pull back when the group gets close. What are you noticing about your reactions?”
M: “I’m not comfortable with everyone expecting me to open up – specially when I know that people here are not qualified in dealing with others emotions. I’m fine dealing with my own stuff privately.”
Indication: M’s discomfort with emotional closeness is another expression of counter-dependence. She prefers emotional isolation and is likely avoiding the vulnerability required to engage fully with the group.
Example 8: Inability to Trust
Participant 4: “T, we’ve been together in the lab for a few days now, but I feel like you don’t trust us.”
T: “Trust isn’t something I give easily. It must be earned. I’ve learned the hard way that depending on others usually leads to disappointment.”
Indication: Tom’s statement reflects the mistrust that is common in counter-dependence. His reluctance to rely on others comes from past experiences where trust was broken, leading him to adopt self-reliance as a defense mechanism.
Example 9: Control Over Emotions
Facilitator: “How are you feeling about the tension that is emerging now in the session?”
P: “I am OK. Why don’t you talk about yourself? I just prefer to stay focused and get through the tasks. Emotional stuff is a major distraction is doing what we are supposed to do here”
Indication: P’s rejection of emotions and preference for “staying focused” is typical of counter-dependence. He distances himself from emotions to maintain control and avoid vulnerability, which may be seen as a threat to his independence.
Example 10: Fear of Relying on Others
Participant 5: “I notice that you often take on more than your fair share in group tasks. Do you think the group can help lighten the load?”
E: “I’ve just always managed on my own. It’s easier than relying on people who might not follow through.”
Indication: E’s fear of relying on others due to potential disappointment is a classic counter-dependent behavior. Her need to take on too much responsibility prevents her from trusting others to share the load.
By these examples, I guess, by now, we have quite some understanding about the phenomenon and how it manifests in the group. Important to understand here is that “Counter dependence is not a group process, it, instead, is a set of belief and self-image that is dysfunctional to the objective of having a healthy relationships.” It, of course, manifests in the context of relationship with others but it is not an interpersonal thing.
Now, let’s look at what could be a healthy alternative to these responses when the participant is not operating from counter-dependence. For sake of brevity, I will do it here for first 3 examples only.
Manifestation of Lack of Counter Dependence (a constructive response)
Example-1. Resistance to Feedback
Instead of saying “Honestly, I don’t need anyone telling me how to behave. I’ve always been self-reliant and figured things out on my own.”
A constructive response could be, “I realise I’ve been cutting people off, and I think it’s because feedback sometimes makes me uncomfortable. I want to work on being more open to it. Looking forward to help from this group.”
Here, K acknowledges discomfort but expresses a willingness to learn from others. He demonstrates healthy openness to feedback and growth, accepting that self-reliance doesn’t preclude the value of external insights.
Example-2. Avoiding Vulnerability
When a participant said to C “C, I feel like you don’t share much about yourself. I’d like to get to know you better.”
Instead of saying, “I just don’t think it’s necessary to talk about personal stuff here. It’s not like sharing my feelings is going to solve anything.”
C can, alternatively, say, “It’s hard for me to share sometimes, but I realize this group is about connection. I’ll try to open up more, even if it feels uncomfortable, because I guess it can help me with my difficulty. Thanks for bringing this to my notice.”
Here, in this response, C demonstrates awareness of her tendency to hold back and acknowledges the potential discomfort. However, she understands the importance of connection and is willing to take a risk in sharing, showing vulnerability in a healthy way.
Example-3. Overcompensation in Self-Reliance
When the facilitator said: “I sense that you prefer to take control of situations rather than rely on the group. Why do you think that is?”
K replied: “Because depending on others is a waste of time. If you want something done right, you’ve got to do it yourself. I don’t need anyone else to get things done.”
Instead of this, if K expresses something like “I realize I tend to take control because I’m used to managing things on my own. But I also see that relying on others can be valuable, and I want to learn how to delegate and trust the group’s contributions.”
This will be a healthy acknowledgement of his tendency for self-reliance and at the same time, will show an openness to trusting others and embracing interdependence.
Hope this provides you a deeper dive in this area.
How to differentiate between healthy normal behaviour and counter dependence indicator?
A lot depends upon the context, however, I have observed the following across various labs and use this as a ready reckoner to stay on track:
1. Setting boundaries is not counter-dependence, pushing people away to avoid emotional closeness is.
2. Taking time for solitude to recharge is not counter-dependence, isolating yourself to avoid vulnerability is.
3. Making decisions confidently after considering feedback is not counter-dependence, refusing to seek input to avoid relying on others is.
4. Saying no to help when you feel capable is not counter-dependence, rejecting help out of fear of appearing weak is.
5. Choosing vulnerability with trusted individuals is not counter-dependence, avoiding vulnerability altogether to maintain control is.
6. Practicing self-sufficiency as a life skill is not counter-dependence, refusing to depend on anyone in any situation is.
7. Working on personal growth for better relationships is not counter-dependence, focusing solely on self-improvement to avoid connection is.
8. Solving problems on your own before asking for help if needed is not counter-dependence, refusing help even when overwhelmed is.
9. Valuing autonomy while staying connected in relationships is not counter-dependence, insisting on emotional distance to avoid reliance is.
10. Preferring a small, close-knit circle of friends is not counter-dependence, avoiding deeper relationships to maintain emotional detachment is.
What has been your experience with this phenomenon of counter- dependence manifested in group settings like T-Group Lab, Therapy Groups, Leadership Development Sessions, Encounter Groups and Team Building sessions?
