Ever looked at your partner and wondered why I chose him? Or what part of me thought dating her would be a good idea? Maybe in a moment of insecurity you thought, why would someone like this choose someone like me? Or in a moment of pure bliss, you thanked God for helping you find your soulmate.
Well it seems, God didn’t have much of a role to play in it and on a base level, neither did you. Your parents on the other hand, deserve credit, or blame if you’re in that kind of situation.
Let me break it down for you, our relationships and early experiences with our parents mould us and have a great impact on every aspect of our life. This includes how we chose our romantic partners.
There are numerous studies which show us the high level of correlation between a parent’s behaviour towards the child, and later in the child’s choice in partners. These effects can be seen as early as adolescence. Many studies state the way a parents’ parenting style can have an impact on the offspring’s attachment style. If the parents’ adopt an authoritative parenting style, full of warmth, responsiveness, appropriate level of supervision and strictness, and a firm set of boundaries the children move forward to form healthy romantic relationships with secure attachments and a higher level of self-esteem. Secure attachments lead to higher levels of satisfaction in the relationship, due to high levels of comfort when it comes to intimacy and independence. It is also seen that when one has a healthy relationship with their parents, they develop interpersonal intricacies which lead to satisfying relationships. Other parenting styles such as authoritarian (strict and controlling), permissive (extremely lenient) and neglectful parenting styles lead to children with low self esteem, insecure attachments and other difficulties in the relationship (Bhalla & Cherian, 2024).
Parental care is another factor leading to a secure romantic relationship. Studies show that as the amount of care, warmth and responsiveness exhibited by the parent increases, the child forms a more secure attachment. In contrast, when a lower amount of care and responsiveness is exhibited by the parent, the child forms insecure romantic relationships after growing up (Millings et al., 2012). Insecure attachments lead to the development of early maladaptive schemas.
Maladaptive schemas are pervasive, self-defeating or dysfunctional themes or patterns of memories, emotions, and physical sensations. They are developed during one’s childhood or adolescence and form the beliefs in regards to oneself and relationships. They can have an adverse effect on the way the child perceives and engages in romantic relationships, and are associated with instability and dissatisfaction in relationships. There is a transitional pathway where attachment styles are influenced by parenting styles, which further affect the formation of maladaptive schemas and ultimately impact one’s adult romantic relationship (Clifton, n.d.).
Parental acceptance is another factor that affects satisfaction and mutuality. Mutuality s the bidirectional movement of thoughts, feelings, and activities within a relationship, which -ads to enhanced emotional intimacy between partners.
A sexually active adolescent girl’s relationship is bound to have higher satisfaction and mutuality in her romantic relationships if she feels she has parental acceptance, if they are involved in her life and keep a healthy amount of supervision on her (Auslander et al., 2009).
Thus, we can assuredly say that our early experiences with our parents become internalised “templates” for love, safety, conflict and attachment. Everything from the way they behave towards us, to the amount of affection and warmth exuded, their reactions to the things we do and the ways they choose to discipline us, is integral to the formation of our personality and reflects in our own romantic choices and relationships.
References:
- Auslander, B. A., Short, M. B., Succop, P. A., & Rosenthal, S. L. (2009). Associations between parenting behaviors and adolescent romantic relationships. Journal of Adolescent Health, 45(1), 98-101. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jadohealth.2008.12.014
- Clifton, J. A. (n.d.). The effects of parenting style, attachment and early maladaptive schemas on adult romantic relationships – ProQuest. https://www.proquest.com/openview/d2e49c9e19e50a5f3a7971bf1d03alab/1?cbl=18 750&diss=y&pq-origsite=gscholar
- Millings, A., Walsh, J., Hepper, E., & O’Brien, M. (2012). Good partner, good parent. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 39(2), 170-180. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167212468333
- Taylor, T. (n.d.). The Influence of Parent-Child Attachment on Romantic Relationships.
- Monica Del Toro: McNair Scholar. https://scholarworks.boisestate.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1105&context-mcnai r journal
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